...so i touched it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
