life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
