I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
