Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
