he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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