My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
should my penis look like a turkey
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
