My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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