Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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