She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
