My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Randomize
