how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
