im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
