Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's just like the Real World with babies
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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