my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
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I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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