he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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