I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just saw a hot homeless man
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
