We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
