she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize