the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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