i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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