meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
