You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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