R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
