I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
