i would punch a child for taco bell
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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