your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
