I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
