So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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