Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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