I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
