My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
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You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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