My sheets look like a crime scene.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
