He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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