i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
