I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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