I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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