All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
