Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
