Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
