hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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