Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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