I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i now understand why vodka
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
