lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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