he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
