his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
