He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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