Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
