Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
this beer tastes like vomit already
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
