I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
