I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
