So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
