from now on my penis is your penis
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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