he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
