I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
