apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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