You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
