rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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