Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
