Pants 0. Shit 1.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
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The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize